Aug
7
To: All Personnel
From: Overlord Johnson
Subject: Overlord Miller’s Departure
It has come to my attention that I may have been somewhat heavy-handed in ordering the immediate termination of the minion who distributed the electronically-doctored “wedding album” featuring Overlord Miller and myself.1 Therefore, I am not issuing any immediate termination orders, but will instead make the following declarations regarding Overlord Miller’s imminent departure:
- Overlord Miller’s move to The Secret Lair West is not ”banishment” and he is not being “sent into exile”.
- There will be no “East Coast/West Coast Gang War” and any references to the same should cease immediately. I hesistate to point out the obvious, but The Secret Lair is not on the “East Coast”.
- Along the same lines, we will not be referring to the Cleveland Lair as “Great Lakes” anything.
- No one has “dibs” on Overlord Miller’s “stuff”. Stop it.
- The next person I hear singing “I Love L.A.” will be reassigned to jet pack test piloting duties. I would remind you that—despite the fact that testing was conducted in a closed laboratory—we barely found enough of the last test pilot to identify the remains as human. Overlord Miller is, obviously, exempt from this decree.
- A similar fate awaits the next person I hear singing “Uptown Girl” in or near any of the men’s restrooms. This has nothing to do with Overlord Miller’s departure; I just find it creepy.
- The contest to win Overlord Miller’s parking space is unauthorized. Though I do appreciate everyone’s efforts to develop the “Deadliest Death Ray”, the idea that one ray can render an individual more dead than another is rather absurd.
- Please do not send me your résumé and references; we do not have an open Overlord position.
 That is all.
Popularity: 1% [?]
- I would like to point out that I rescinded my secondary order to terminate anyone who had actually seen the album before anyone of consequence was fed to the hammerhead-alligator-piranhas, and that a 20-minute “sanity check” has been temporarily instituted on further termination orders. [↩]
Jul
22
The Secret Lair Comic 0007: A New Toy
Filed Under Comics | 5 Comments
Popularity: 11% [?]
Jul
3
The Secret Lair Episode 0013: Origins 2008
Filed Under Field Trip | 1 Comment
Reporting from Room 929 at the Crown Plaza hotel, Overlord Johnson is joined by sometime-nemesis David Moore and almost-never-nemesis Mario Dongu, both of The Game Master Show, for the Origins 2008 report. Shannon Farrell is also present, but he quickly flees in terror, and rightly so.
Where is Overlord Miller? The answer lies within.
People We Saw
Mur Lafferty, who acquired a pair of awesome steampunk goggles.- Jim Van Verth, host of The Vintage Gamer.
- Cmaaarrr!
- SciFi Laura.
- Carlos, whose last name I can never remember.
- Rachel “Nycteris” Ross.
- JD and John.
The Board Room
Games We Discuss
- BattleTech (FASA)
- Fairy Tale (Z-Man Games)
- The Secret Life of Gingerbread Men is allegedly published by Wicked Dead Brewing Company, but no reference to it could be found on their website.
- Dragonriders (Rio Grande Games).
- Crocodile Pool Party (Rio Grande Games) is not “Crocodiles in the Pool”. They are not the same thing at all.
Arkham Horror (Fantasy Flight Games)- Pandemic (Z-Man Games)
- Mad Scientist University (Atlas Games)
- AmuseAmaze (HL Games)
- Stupiduel (Lost Adept Distractions)
- Catan Dice Game (Mayfair Games) is not Catan Card Game.
- Wealth of Nations (TableStar Games)
- HeroScape (Milton Bradley)
- Twilight Imperium (Fantasy Flight Games)
- Toppo (Rio Grande Games)
Promo
- Brave Men Run by Matthew Wayne Selznick. Minions are directed to visit Amazon.com on Sunday, 13 July to purchase the book.
Lairkeeping
- Our theme music is “Skullcrusher Mountain” by Jonathan Coulton.
Popularity: 22% [?]
Jun
27
Popularity: 24% [?]
Jun
25
To: All Personnel
From: Overlord Kris
Subject: Follow-up from Safety Awareness Meeting (25 June 2008)
In reviewing the minutes from the Daily Safety Awareness Stand-up Meeting, I came across two questions that I wanted to personally address.
- Shouldn’t these meetings be held on an hourly basis?
- Shouldn’t the “Days Since Last Accident” sign be updated to read “-349″?
These questions betray an underlying attitude of pessimism that I find somewhat troubling. Safety awareness in the Lair is at an all-time high, while the number of incidents resulting in unintended death, dismemberment, trans-dimensional shunting, psychic scarring, debilitating mutation and/or devolution has never been lower.
Critics will be quick to point out that the malfunctioning neuron stimulator incapacitated seventy-eight people last week, but I would remind you that, regardless of the number of affected individuals, the buffer overload is still technically a single incident. Additionally, the affected individuals, while not able to perform their duties, ambulate or eat solid foods, are quite obviously experiencing no discomfort. In fact, I’m told that electroencephalograph readings on all seventy-eight individuals indicate a state of (thus far) “permanent bliss verging on sheer ecstasy”.
With respect to the second question, the incident has technically not occurred yet. The temporal rift remains open and we are working on a means by which we can communicate with the personnel involved in the hopes that we can prevent the implosion that created the rift in the first place. This has proven extremely difficult, as the timestream we are observing through the rift is regressing backward from 09 June 2009 toward present day. We estimate that the two timestreams will collide on 16 December 2008 and our efforts to correct the matter before it becomes an incident will continue as long as necessary. Until such time as the implosion actually occurs, however, I have instructed the Safety Committee that it is not to be recorded in their logs.
Be assured that safety is, while not our primary concern, certainly important to Overlord Miller and myself. Where priority, efficiency, aesthetics and cost allow, we have taken every measure to protect the health and wellbeing of those in our employ.
Popularity: 25% [?]
Jun
16
The Secret Lair 0012: Our Holocaust Room
Filed Under Books, Memoranda, Movies, Villainy | 14 Comments
Det visar anteckningar för detta avsnitt var oavsiktligt förlorade när köra genom vårt nya översättningen motor från Ikea. När vi får unBorked kommer vi att få några riktigt påpekar upp.
No, really.
[Insert obligatory announcement about sacking those responsible for the previous notes here.]
A word of warning: there is some very uncensored language in this episode. We usually try to keep it fairly clean (though we do have an “explicit” tag), but the potty-mouths runneth over a couple of times.
And now, the show notes.
The Secret Library
- We discuss the graphic novel Shooting War by Anthony Lappé and Dan Goldman. Shooting War was suggested by Troy in our GoodReads group, and he has written a review as well.
- Chris likes the word whinging.
- We will eventually be discussing The Sky People by S.M. Stirling, but Mr. Newquist seems to have recovered some of the suppressed memories of our previous encounter and, as a result, has become rather evasive.1
- We will also eventually be discussing Old Man’s War by John Scalzi. Though Scalzi and Sterling use many of the same words in their respective books, the ordering of those words is vastly different from one novel to the other, so we would strong suggest that you read them both to avoid confusion.
The Screening Room
- Iron Man, was very entertaining and we both liked it. A lot.
- The name of the doctor who helps Tony Stark build the original armor is Yinsen, and he was portrayed by Shaun Toub.
- The Incredible Hulk appears to hearken back to the television series starring Bill Bixby and Lou Ferrigno. We’re both looking forward to it.
- We both like Tim Roth (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead), who plays Emil Blonsky.
- Marvel is tying their superhero movies together in preparation for an Avengers movie. Go, Marvel, go!
- Kris is really looking forward to Captain America: The First Avenger. I mean really looking forward to it. If you happen to be in the theater when he sees it for the first time, do not be surprised if he throws his panties at the screen.
- We discuss the casting of X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
- Other superhero movies on the horizon that we’re looking forward to: Hellboy II: The Golden Army and The Dark Knight.
- Will there be a Thor movie? We’d watch it.
- There was a fourth Indiana Jones movie. You may have heard of it. We have more than heard of it, we have seen it. Armed with this advantage, we feel comfortable discussing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Pepsi and comparing it to the other three.
- There is some degree of dissent in the Lair as to the relative merits of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
- At one point, our in-studio audience can no longer hold her objections, so she gets all up in Chris’ grill.
- The commentary tracks on the 3-disc special edition of Hellboy are very good; so says Kris.2
- Kris recently saw Cube Zero and provides a brief, insightful, reasoned and well-supported opinion of the entire series.
- Kris will soon watch In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Chris has already seen it. The cast is very intriguing. The very idea of Ray Liotta as a dark wizard boggles the mind.
- Regarding Renaissance, Kris meant “motion-capture”, not “stop-motion”. Get it together, Johnson!
- Chris saw Prince Caspian and provides a comparison to The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.
- Kris didn’t make it all the way through The Golden Compass, based on the first book of Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials series.
- Chris did make it all the way through Revolver, starring Jason Statham and Ray Liotta, but it wasn’t quite what he expected.
Lairkeeping
- Our theme music is “Skullcrusher Mountain” by Jonathan Coulton. Cleveland-area fans can see Mr. Coulton live at the Beachland Ballroom on Friday, 11 July 2008 at 7pm.
- We welcome your feedback at The Secret Lair. Dot com. Such feedback may be submitted via electronic mail or our online contact form.
- It would not kill you to visit our official community.3
- Information and commentary on books we have discussed, may be in the process of discussing and will one day discuss is available at The Secret Library.
Popularity: 32% [?]
- It has been suggested that the source of the delay is internal to The Secret Lair. Kris may or may not have failed to e-mail Mr. Newquist with the details of our recording schedule for the weekend, but that is entirely irrelevent. History will decide who is to blame. [↩]
- Keep in mind that this is a man who recently wished he had a womb so he could bear director Guillermo del Toro’s offspring. [↩]
- This statement has not been evaluated by the FDA, the AMA, or anyone who could reliably determine whether our official community is, in fact, capable of inducing death. [↩]
May
22
More Rumor Control
Filed Under Memoranda | 3 Comments
To: All Personnel
From: Management
Subject:Â Overlord Miller’s Head
It has recently come to my attention that many (if not all) of you are laboring under the mistaken belief that the headless body in Stasis Chamber 7-Alpha belongs to Overlord Miller, and that the head which is normally attached to said body was accidentally teleported to an alien medical frigate orbiting Succula IX.
Let me assure you that this is simply untrue. Mr. Miller’s head is precisely where it belongs and the alleged absence of his cranium has nothing to do with any delays in the release of new podcast episodes. In fact, the delays are strictly due to the difficulties our Chief Engineer has encountered in tuning the subliminal harmonic wave generators. I need not remind you that releasing an episode with an ill-tuned subliminal harmonic wave would almost certainly result in a variety of unpleasant and (for the time being) entirely undesirable side-effects for our listeners including (but not limited to) cranial cavity implosion, uncontrollable drooling, temporary (we think) insanity, and/or “jazz hands”.
The Chief Engineer is working diligently to overcome this technical challenge; he is not attempting to devise a means by which Overlord Miller’s head can be returned to this galaxy and reattached to the aforementioned headless body. Once the issues with the subliminal harmonic wave generators have been resolved, new episodes of the podcast will be released post haste.
To further address these rampant rumors, this communiqué contains an embedded hypnotic suggestion that will eradicate all awareness and memory of the headless body in Stasis Chamber 7-Alpha.
I repeat, there is no headless body in Stasis Chamber 7-Alpha.
Thank you.
Popularity: 44% [?]
May
16
Popularity: 47% [?]
May
12
Condolences to C.A. Sizemore
Filed Under Memoranda | Leave a Comment
C.A. Sizemore has been a fan of The Secret Lair since day one. He has provided us with feedback and even contributed a manuscript that we simply haven’t gotten around to publishing yet. C.A. has been with us since long before The Secret Lair became a reality: he followed us here from The House of the Harping Monkey and Volcanicast, where he was a loyal, involved fan. I’m hard-pressed to think of a podcast that C.A. doesn’t listen to and equally hard-pressed to think of a podcaster who doesn’t know him. He is the best kind of fan we could possibly ask for and we are all lucky to have him.
This morning C.A.’s wife, Kelly, passed away unexpectedly. Our hearts, thoughts, prayers and deepest condolences are with C.A. in this difficult and tragic time.
I’ve taken down the tip jar because there is something better you can do with your money today: you can give a little to help someone who has always been there for us, a loyal fan like no other. Please visit the donation site established by Mae Breakall and give what you can to help C.A. cover the expenses that tragic events like these always incur.
Popularity: 50% [?]
May
8
Due to an issue with the temporal warp units, the Overlords are unable to converse with you.  Instead, BECKY, the AI which keeps order within the Lair, presents some original fiction: the fruit of the Overlords’ daily writing meetups at the café.
- In our first piece, The Monologue,  Kris orates grandly before one of the many who have attempted to penetrate the Lair…and failed.
- Our second piece, entitled Serial, Â Chris tells a tale of boy meets girl…meets knife. NOTE: Not really for the kiddies, this one.
Popularity: 52% [?]
From the Community- An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.